Football Is Boring

2004-09-18 01:46:44

aka My Modest Proposal To Make Football Interesting Without Having To Eat A Single Baby

I'm told it's football season. I was born without the Sports Gene, which is tragic. Or so people tell me; I really couldn't care less. When I bother to think about it, I'd guess that being a Sports Fan is something like being a Music Fan:

  Sports Music
Events: You go to games. You go to concerts.
Bullshit Media "News": "So coach, how do you think your team will play tomorrow?" "So Jimmy, what's this tour going to be like?"
Paraphernalia: T-shirts with team logos, bumper stickers, etc. T-shirts with band logos, bumper stickers, yadda.
Drugs: Beer, steriods and other performance-enhancement drugs. Beer, marijuana, Ecstacy, LSD, cocaine, heroin, glue-huffing, the list goes on and on.
Sex: Yes, and lots of it. Women tend to be in good shape. Yes, and lots of it. Less fitness but more variety, extra freakiness in bed.
Fan Talk: "Didja hear that Toledo is trading Namath to the Utah Packers?" "Didja hear that the NumbNutz are auditioning for a new guitarist because Joey Numb OD'ed?"
I Wanna Be Like Ike1: Form team, play in company league. Form band, play for free in shitty bars.
Practice Sessions: Go to back yard, toss the ball around a little, hope girls notice. Go to garage, power up amps, jam, hope girls notice.
Economic Potential: Mega $$$$$s - if you're talented AND the Magick Sports Faery touches you with her enchanted logo-emblazoned teevee network microphone. Mega $$$$$s - if you're talented AND you suck on the Magick Musik Fairy's enchanted "stick".

So I think I kinda got a handle on the sports thing: it's just like music but with fewer drugs. Although I actually like music. Whereas few things will make me leave a room faster than someone flipping on the teevee "to watch a little football".

But I have an idea for how to make football2 interesting to me and others like me3: I propose the addition of a new player position called the Rifleback. I don't care if it's Defensive or Offensive, the fun part is that the Rifleback gets a .22 caliber rifle and a single .22 cal round per game, to be used whenever / however it is deemed necessary. It certainly would bring a bit of drama back to a sport that today is oft referred to as "a bunch of pampered millionaires running around on Astroturf".

In practice, I honestly don't think there'd be much in the line of bullet wounds to contend with -- I suspect that part of each and every play would consist of "taking down the guy with the gun". And even if someone takes a bullet, the damage from a .22 round in the bicep pales in comparison to a compound fracture (even I've heard about that Joe Theisman fellow's "snap heard 'round the world"). And hell, the players are probably already wearing Kevlar armor out there. Kevlar is "trendy".

So there you have it: my Modest Proposal To Make Football Interesting Without Having To Eat A Single Baby.

Whaddya say, America?

1 Or whoever the fuck it was in that stupid slogan.

2 American football, that is. Although this concept could arguably be adapted to any sport. Golf, for instance.

3 And the simple fact that the Internet exists is all the proof I need to know I'm not alone.